How long?

How long has it been since I wrote something that was worth something? WAY TOO LONG.  Over the years that I have had this blog I have noticed something: I blog less when heavier things are going on.  When Bubba was diagnosed with Autism I only wrote just enough.  When Little had seizures I only wrote the facts.  When life is heavy it seems my fingers just can't move about the keyboard with ease.

Life is heavy over here.  Not so heavy that I am depressed, loathing the thought of Christmas, etc.  Heavy in the "God is doing so much in me and I am SO THANKFUL for Christmas" way.  Even simple joys carry weight and I just don't know how to process that.

I wrote a bit about Little's part in the Christmas musical.  She sang some and she danced some - the basics.  Here's a couple things I didn't tell you:

• Little had a "shadow" during the semester; a freshman in high school who helped her learn the songs, stay in the right place, and learn the movements.  This girl has special needs of her own and as her mother and I sat at the dress rehearsal and watched our two girls walk out together dressed as angels, we both cried.  When I could speak I said, "I am so thankful for Jenni.  She does not have any idea what a big ministry she has had here."  And then Sandi said, "Looking at that from the other side. . . I am so thankful too.  What a joy to see."  It was so great.  Such a blessing.  So heavy.
• The dance movements were adorable.  They did this neat little lick their finger and point to the sky thing and they alternated hands.  They also did this cute ditty where they used their right hand to pat their left foot out front and then their left hand to pat their right foot behind.  Little did super.  She was two or more steps behind everyone but she did it.  It's such a big deal because folks missing their corpus callosum have trouble crossing the mid line.  MANY of the folks with ACC can't do activities that would require them to cross the mid line.  Little did that little dance like a champ.  Honey and I grinned like loonies.  What a joy to see.  How grateful our hearts are.  Still, it's heavy.

Honey and I have been doing a little counseling (a must for every marriage I'd say) and it has been wonderful. The guy we meet with is wise beyond his years and I look forward to going each week and talking with him.  At the same time, things are coming up that must be dealt with.  Effects of a broken world.  Sin.  It is wonderful to be moving forward and Honey and I are doing so great.  Still - all that brokenness and sin; it's heavy.

Today I took the kids to the mall.  I thought it was before hours and so I thought it was a good idea - a warm place to walk while some work was being done at our house and we couldn't return.  You guessed it - the mall opened an hour early today and there were people everywhere.  I should have turned around and walked right out but I did need one thing for a stocking and so I decided to risk it.  KB and Bubba were being so sweet I just knew this was going to be a great experience.  

N.O.T! 

So much sin packed into so little time.  I am thankful we are all alive and thankful they are still living with us.  At one point KB threw herself down on the ground in the elevator and just screamed.  Shew.  It was ugly.  It was so bad I went for a Diet Dr. Pepper afterward.  Bubba had the nerve (boosted by the naivety of Autism) to ask, "Mom, are you getting something for me and KB? I would like iced tea like daddy." KB added, "I don't want iced tea.  I want Sprite."  My response? "I am unable to talk to either of you right now."  

30 minutes later I was finally able to sit down with them and apologize for my tone and reacting out of anger.  I told them I sinned against them and I was very sorry.  Before I could get the words, "Will you forgive me?" completely out of my mouth, KB threw her arms around me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "I forgive you, mama!"  Bubba kissed me on the forehead and said, "I love you, mama."  Humbling.  Joyful.  Heavy.

And so now I head to bed.  I feel exhausted - partly because of the late hour and partly because of the constant tug of war between my joy and recognition of all the cracks in this world.  I am so thankful for the Savior and this season of celebration.  Christmas holds a value it never has and I never imagined it would.  Emmanuel.  God with us.  Come to right the wrong and pay the price.  Oh, praise Him! Hallelujah!

 ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-29